Cancer-Free.

That's me.

On Monday morning, my primary doctor's office called to tell me that the biopsy on my arm came back as normal.

A few hours later, I went in for the cancer-removal on my chest.

And it's gone. The surrounding skin is bright red (apparently, I've been reacting to band-aids lately!), and it's a bit itchy. But it's gone. No more cancer.

This makes me smile really, really, really big.

In other news, I heard from Cameron's mom last weekend. Cameron had woken up on Saturday morning with a fever and a bloody nose. This strikes terror into the heart of any parent with a kid who's had leukemia.

And Kris is probably the only mom on the planet who was incredibly thankful to find out that it was only the swine flu.

Yep, Cam ended up with swine flu, and in isolation at the hospital for several days. He's home now, but none of his family will be able to attend Light the Night this weekend.

I'm still going. I'm short of my goal, but I'm still going to be there... Sporting my Love4Laiken tank top, and walking with the kidlet.

And while this particular event is all about blood-related cancers, I will be celebrating my own prognosis as well.

Cancer-Free.

Yep, I've still got it.

The cancer.

When I went in for my surgery last month, there was an insurance snafu, and it didn't happen. It was rescheduled for this coming Monday.

Knowing I'd be walking around with the damned thing for more than a month, I decided to name it. My friend named it SomeThing... As in "I've got a little SomeThing I need to get off my chest..." Because joking about it is how I roll...

And in the last month, I've been much more vigilant about the sunscreen. For myself, and for the kidlet... And everybody else.

And in the last month, I've noticed other spots... Including one on my right bicep. Which reminds me an awful lot of the one that was recently biopsied on my chest and turned out to be a squamous cell carcinoma.

Uh-oh.

My primary care physician had told me that when I go to have my surgery to have the dermatologist look at my other moles, and then she'd write the referral me to have him take those out if he deemed it necessary.

But today I took matters into my own hands.

I went to see her about a cough (which she thinks might be pertussis. Whooping cough. Just call me Jane Austen (I'm not contagious, don't worry!!)) and while I was there, I asked her to go ahead and take off the mole on my arm. Send it in for a biopsy.

She agreed to do so and promised to take a bigger sample so that if it does come back as cancer, she will have already removed it.

So, we moved into another room, and I had another biopsy. And the kidlet watched the whole thing. And he was fine. He described to me what he could see and wasn't grossed out at all. I swear, he's gonna grow up to be a surgeon.

:)

So, while I plan to be cancer-free, myself, by the time Light the Night rolls around, I'm still raising funds to cure blood-related cancers.

Please click here to help.

I'm particularly excited about this year's walk since Cameron's mom and I spoke the other night (I still take her calls no matter what I'm doing!)... Cameron is doing so very well and will be entering 2nd grade in the fall... He's been in remission for more than two years, and I know it's because of people like you who step up.

Thank you.

Have a beautiful week!!!

So, here's some irony for you.

Okay, so I have a little cancer. It's a very little cancer. It's a sarcoma, not a melanoma. It's a very common form of skin cancer. It will be removed next week, and I will be cancer-free.

Yes, it was a bit of a shock. We'd been watching this mole that had cropped up in the last couple of years, and when I went to have it removed a couple of weeks ago, the doc was just going to freeze it, like she was freezing one on my arm.

I told her that I had a weird feeling about the one on my chest, and maybe we should go ahead and biopsy it to ease my mind...

I didn't hear from her that week, and assumed that no news was good news.

Two days ago, she called me. And I'm standing there in my towel, fully expecting her to say that it was totally fine.

And that's not what she said.

It was a bit of a blur. I don't think anybody is prepared to hear that they have cancer. Of any kind.

So, I made my appointment to see the dermatologist to have the rest of it removed, and went about my day.

And when I did start telling people, I've made sure to say that it's a very minor little cancer. It's, like, the lowest form of cancer that can even be called a cancer.

Most people are being awesome about it... I like the clarifying questions. I like hearing the stories of the person they knew that had the same kind of cancer and that that person got it removed and is cancer-free. That this is curable, not just treatable. I like those stories.

I like it when people tell me that I'm totally going to kick cancer's ass, and that, yes, I CAN call myself a cancer survivor...

Because I'll be honest with you. I have a bit of an issue with being all, "I'm kicking cancer's ass!" I mean, it's a sarcoma. The doctor's going to poke me a couple of times with some local anaesthetic, cut it out, make sure she got it all, and then I'll be done. Cancer-free. No chemo. No radiation. I'm, like, a cancer loser. Leave it to me to go off and cure leukemia and develop a measly little skin cancer.

Although, I loved when someone told me that I had a very good excuse to shave my head now... I will be able to say things like, "Sure I look like I had cancer. Because I totally did!"

And I really love it when REAL cancer survivors tell me that I can totally brag about kicking cancer's ass.

Um, but I don't love it when you minimize it. I can minimize it. You don't get to. You get to tell me I kick ass. You do not get to say, "Oh, you mean it's a pre-cancer."

Because it's actually NOT a pre-cancer.

You do not get to speculate as to whether or not I'm freaking out about it.

Because I'm NOT.

You do not get to freak out about it. If you are going to spend any energy on my little ol' cancer, you can send some Light and Love my way. But that's it. I'm not gonna die, so you don't get to worry about that.

I appreciate so much the offers to come hold my hand while I get poked and cut, and maybe I'll decide to take you up on it. And maybe I'll just pull up the BGPs and just get it done on my own.

But in the meantime, know that I am GOOD.

I explained it to my son in a way that even has him joking about it (although, when he found out it was cancer, he apologized for saying "The one on your chest is gross, Mommy!" about the silver nitrate scar left there from the biopsy. My sweet little Bubba!)... We're good with this.

So, we are good.

Yes, I have a little cancer. And while it was tempting to text that guy from the last blog with, "Yeah, I was diagnosed with cancer today, so I'm not really interested in your crap right now..." I didn't.

And right now, I'm actually pretty damned grateful for this little ol' cancer of mine... Because it caused someone on the periphery to step up and bring me joy. And that's a good thing.

So, please. Keep your negativity and your minimizing to yourself. You may tell me I kick ass, that I've got this, that I rock. Keep the rest of it to yourself.

Thanks.

Oh, and while I have your attention, go get that mole checked out. And slather on some SPF 50.

And have a beautiful weekend.

Getting back to it...

I had mentioned my friend's lifesaving bone marrow transplant awhile back...

Well, she died on May 18. She actually fell out of remission in November, just weeks after my last event with Team in Training.

She went through a horrific six months before finally succumbing.

Rest in Peace, my dear friend, DebuTaunt.

Since I last updated, I've completed another UltraMarathon (just 32 miles this time!), a 10K and two half-marathons...

I walked my fourth Surf City (formerly Pacific Shoreline) half-marathon on Super Bowl Sunday in DebuTaunt's honor...



I wore forks on my head and sent her a finisher's medal...



I found out last week that the medal and headband were in her hospital room for the last months of her life and sparked several conversations among her guests. I was so touched to receive her mom's card and sobbed when I knew that those items had reached her...

I kicked off my training for my first 50-mile trail run with a hilly half-marathon on Memorial Day... Having lost my friend days earlier spurred me on to set a Personal Record for myself...

I've added running to the mix (A strange concept for this WalkerChick!), and now that I'm off work indefinitely, I plan to up the mileage in a big way to prepare for that race.

I'm not training with the TEAM this season, since the 50-miler falls just before the next Nike Marathon, but I'm still raising money to cure cancer.

I'll be Lighting the Night again at Angel Stadium on August 22... I am planning to complete a fairly brutal 25K trail run that morning, head back to the OC and cure some cancer that night.

Wanna help?

;Click here.

Thank you!!!

The TNT Pasta Party...

I had warned D's brother that I had told D that if he wasn't at the pasta party on time, I would break up with him. I know how I get about scheduling and stuff on race weekend, and we had paid a lot of money for D and Rach to be there, and I didn't want him to miss it. It was too important.

Rach and I were standing in the lobby of the hotel freezing our buns off when D texted me that he was at the Moscone Center. I looked at my phone and saw that, yes, it was 5:00, and we were still waiting for the bus that would take us there. Crap! Oops... He'd downed his margarita and run there... Awk-ward! Well, hey, I just said HE had to be on time... I never said I had to be! LOL!

We watched people board the already-crowded bus, and the bus driver said that we'd have to stand... We jumped at the chance to get on the bus... Meanwhile, Rach and KS were texting each other and it looked like we might arrive around the same time... I was jealous as all get-out that Rach had gotten to meet KS the day before at NikeTown, and this would be my turn... I almost couldn't breathe, I was so excited about finally getting to meet her...

We got there, and got off the bus... D and I played the cell phone Marco Polo game and finally connected... And we paced... Looking for KS...

We walked inside because it was so chilly outside, and then Rachel told me that KS was near... And I stood on my tiptoes in my jeans and tank top and flannel, just scanning the crowd for her... And there she was... And we just threw our arms around each other and sobbed... D had my camera and took some amazing photos of that meeting...



All snot bubbly, we introduced her to D and then posed for pictures with her... And it just felt so right to finally get to hug her. It was perfect. We had to shout at each other over the noise, but it was beautiful to be walking in there together... KS gave me and Rachel matching purple chinese takeout boxes, and we were just so excited to be together. I got totally warm and took off my flannel and tied it around my waist... I was glad because the next part was totally overwhelming...

If you've never been to a TNT pasta party, it's hard to imagine... Hundreds of coaches and mentors, lining the sidelines as you walk through... Screaming, blowing whistles, horns, banging thundersticks together... Greeting the athletes they know... Half of them are crying, and it makes you cry too (unless you're JennB, of course! LMAO!!!)... And we made our way carefully down the stairs, with me stopping on every step just to see everything and to breathe it all in...

We said goodbye to KS and she went over to her group and we got our food. I grabbed extra bread (and D still gave me some of his, too!) and we went to find a seat... I was bummed to have my back to the front, but it was okay... Rach went to get us waters, and I just stood there, watching... I looked at the screens and watched as the photos of the honored heroes changed... And then there was Brenda... And I screamed, and pointed, and the tears started all over again... And we all hugged, and just felt the presence of so many heroes...

We sat down to eat and my cell phone rang... It was Cathie, who was from the Rocky Mountain Chapter in Colorado... Ross (whom I have yet to meet!) had sent her out with something for me and for Laiken's mom... She and I played the cell phone marco polo for several minutes, and I searched the crowd for a cowboy hat... And there she was...



Too adorable for words, she handed me a purple gift bag... She helped me pull out the green tissue paper and I pulled out a race singlet... She showed me that at the bottom of the back, there was a phrase that had been printed onto every singlet for that Chapter this season... In Loving Memory of our Team Angels: Kelly Grubb and Laiken Kenwood...



Kelly is the one who brought me and Ross together (albeit, virtually!) and he adopted Laiken as his own Hero as well... And he had paid (I don't know how much!) to get their names on their jerseys... And I lost it. We were all crying and hugging... And it was so touching... And I wished I had his cell phone number to call him right then! And Cathie said goodbye, and I sat down, just stunned....

But then my mentor, Kat, walked by...

And we chatted, and I introduced her to my group...

And then KS came over! And she sat with us, and I showed her the race singlets, and the hair things she'd given us in the purple boxes... Rachel had given KS a ClaRiTy pin to match the one she'd made for me at the expo, and we took pictures and sat and enjoyed each other...

I got a text from Coach Ron, asking me where I was... We texted back and forth and decided to try to find each other after the party...

We got to hear about the top fundraisers... We cried and cheered and screamed for the Triple Crowners (two of whom are from my team!) and listened to John "The Penguin" Bingham do his thing... And then there was Joan Benoit-Samuelson... And I went all nuts listening to her address the crowd...

And there was this moment of ClaRiTy when I looked over at D... Who was totally cheering and getting all teary over being there... And it hit me...

This was my FIFTH pasta party. And it felt right to have D and Rachel there with me... And KS and Ron, and so many others... I felt totally enveloped in the love of Jenny, even though she wasn't with us that night because she'd come out with us the day before... And Ross, even though he wasn't there, he had done something special for me...

And then the party was done... And people started to leave... And Ron and I were texting each other... I didn't want to leave without hugging him... I stood on my chair for minutes, searching the crowd... And we decided to meet by the escalators... And finally got to hug...

I hadn't seen him since San Diego RNR in 2007, and it was awesome to get to hang out with him for a few moments, and meet his wife again... Which would end up being a good thing since I would see her on the course the next day several times...

We finally left the Moscone Center and headed over to Union Square to meet up with Drew (of Mile 23 Bloody Mary fame!) and his girlfriend, Gina... But that's a blog for another day...

But that night was amazing and wonderful, touching, and emotional... It was an Honor to be a part of it!

A blessing and a curse...

I had the honor and the pleasure of walking 13.1 miles with the amazing Blanche on Sunday... San Francisco is her hometown, and it was very, very cool to see the City through her narrative...

I was so blessed to have so many loved ones out that day... Friends were running their own races... Friends of my Heroes and my Angels were out there on the course... Teammates were out there... D was out there... Blanche's momma was out there... When we'd first started, MV mentioned that she needed gum, so Blanche called her mom to get her to run and get some before we reached her... And her poor mom was freaking out about what kind of gum to get for her! I remember being a spectator and wanting to do the perfect thing!

Just the night before, D had run to Walgreen's for something, and asked if I needed anything. I asked for circus peanuts if they had any (my hopes weren't very high!) and Fritos for the finish line... Oh, and circus animal cookies, please!

And he was gone, for, like, an HOUR... Just when I started to worry, he showed up with this huge bag from Walgreen's. Apparently, he'd wandered around Walgreen's looking for everything he could think of... And especially the circus animal cookies. Which, apparently, don't exist anymore. Ugh. But he searched the entire store before giving up on them... He bought chocolate brownies and Goldfish crackers, and more... But the best thing??? He did find circus peanuts, and also orange slices!!!! I hadn't asked for them, and it just made me love him even more to know that he'd remembered that I love them on a race course!!!

Of course, I didn't expect to see him on the course... He was going to meet me at the finish line... Because that's what the transportation band would get him.

But that's not what happened. Nope. He ended up walking/running about five miles to come meet me on the course... And walked nearly a mile with me on the course... Feeding me and Blanche circus peanuts and orange slices... Taking our pictures... And then he ran (not heeding Blanche's advice to take a bus!) to the finish line to wait for us... *sigh*

But prior to all of that...

MV had decided to run her own race... We sent her off with our blessing, and Blanche was trying to coordinate with her mom about how far ahead MV would be so that she would have plenty of time to go get the gum... Minutes later, her cell phone would ring again with more questions about our exact location and our ETA to her location... Blanche's phone was blowing up with calls from her mom who just wanted to make sure that she had time to get to whichever point at which she would be waiting for us....

Blanche hung up the phone at one point and said to me, "You know, it's a blessing and a curse to have your mom on the course..."

Which I completely understood. We marathoners just want to focus on our race. We want you to be where you say you'll be and just figure it out without making us think about it. I remember being livid when M called me on the Carlsbad course asking me if I'd passed a particular mile marker yet... Because I didn't want to think about it. Why couldn't he just be where he said he would be? Do the math, man!

But something about what she'd said really hit me in that moment... I said, "Not to bring it back to me or to take away from what you're feeling, but I totally understand what you mean about how having your mom on the course can be a blessing and a curse..." And I threw my thumb back over my shoulder, pointing at my back... Where I sported so many tags of Heroes and Angels... One of my Angels being my mom... (I realized, later, that I pointed to the wrong side of my back... LOL!)

Of course, Blanche was wonderful about it... And she was awesome when I shared some of the stuff I've been dealing with in therapy... And I was so thrilled that she got to see her mom on the course... I couldn't stop taking photos... And I just realized when I was typing this that I wasn't jealous at all... Just happy for them.

But it is a blessing and a curse... I am so blessed by so many wonderful people and experiences in my world... But so many of these people wouldn't even be in my world if my mom hadn't DIED.

And that's a weird realization to come to.

And this October, which came upon me with little warning... With so much anticipation for a beautiful weekend... And moments when I thought I might be heading off to Orlando this coming weekend as well... I almost forgot to freak out about tomorrow.

October 23.

When I wrote the date on my Science Notebook today, it hit me. Today is the 22nd... Six years ago, tonight, I'd realized that my mom wouldn't last until the 27th. Because M couldn't change his flight... I knew there was a reason why he would be coming home on the 23rd... I didn't know that it would be that day, though.

Maybe you already know the story... The phone call at work... The scrambling around to figure out how to get to San Diego and what to do for T... The frantically trying to reach M at the airport... The drive down to the hospital... The chance to say goodbye... The crowd around her bed... The cell phones that wouldn't quit ringing... Watching her come back to us for just long enough to tell us she loved us... The end... The mind-numbing hours that followed... When I didn't get my gooey chocolate cake at Coco's... When my boobs swelled up until I almost couldn't stand it because I was away from T for too long without my breast pump...

And then the six years that have followed... My mom has touched more people as an Angel than she ever could have imagined in life... I know she's still with me... And so many others...

I happened to check my email from my phone and saw that there was a message from someone I happily could have never heard from again...

The one I've realized orchestrated so much pain a few months ago...

And she told me that my mom and I have been on her mind today... And as I always said Love and Light... And she's sending me extra today.

Wow. Even someone who I'd thought was completely cold-hearted was touched by my mom... And that Love and Light that I've been sending because of Laiken has wormed its way into one of the coldest of hearts...

So, it is with the memories of the last amazing weekend that I will face tomorrow. It is with Love and Light and the words and energies of so many wonderful people that I will face tomorrow. It will be with renewed passion for my job and my students that I will face tomorrow. It will be with the security of knowing I get to cry to my therapist if I feel like it that I will face tomorrow.

It is with so much Love and Light..... x6 years... x13... xInfinity... That I will face tomorrow.

It is with a good night's sleep that is ahead of me now... That I will face tomorrow.

Love and Light. Free and Clear. Thanks to, and FOR... My Momma...



Gayle Sharon Lister ~ April 7, 1952 - October 23, 2002. R.I.P., Momma... R.I.P.

Light the Night, 2008

I wasn't supposed to be in town this weekend... I was supposed to be in Vegas with the girls... Some of whom had joined us last year for Light the Night, Team Cameron.


Since I ended up being around, I joined Jenn's team, the Walking Warriors... Jenn had kicked ass at her fundraising and got to go to the VIP tent and everything. She was a Bright Light, for sure, this year...

I hadn't been feeling well (yes, it was likely due to the partying I'd done the previous evening celebrating my dear friend, Q, and her 40th birthday), but I was feeling well enough to head over to Angel Stadium with Ty in tow for Light the Night, 2008...

We found Laiken's team, first. And I was thrilled to finally get my Love4Laiken tank top, which I donned immediately... Ty was thrilled to get his gold ribbon pin, and when we got our stickers, he wanted to wear one in memory of Laiken...

We wandered around for a bit... Got some food... I love the Chik-Fil-A sandwiches they give away... It's the one time a year I have them!

We connected with Jenn, Chris, and Colin for a quick hug and then Ty and I went over to where they were going to hold the Remembrance Ceremony... I was invited to participate in the Inaugural Ceremony last year... This year's ceremony was so much better. Very significant. Stacey (Laiken's mom) was part of it. There was a litany and then we all read a poem together... They passed out yellow carnations to people in the audience (I didn't get one at that time) and then they held them up and there was a moment of silence as well. I was sobbing. Cathartic, yes. But bawling. Hard. Ty was really sensitive and sweet about it.

I went up to Gail Sperling immediately afterwards, and re-introduced myself to her. I told her that she'd done a really good job this year with the ceremony, and she thanked me for telling her that... She asked if I'd received a carnation and made sure I took one. Ty took one as well. That was when I heard from Missy that she was where I was... And she came and took photos for me...


I was raw, but glad she was there...


We went and connected with Jenn, Chris and Colin again, and that was when I found out that Kris and Cameron and their family were almost there!

After waiting a year-and-a-half for Cam to be healthy enough for it, I finally got my picture with him...



The boys bonded instantly...






















And we got our Team Photo...

And then it was time to walk... Which we did...

Having been shut out of the Stadium during the Disneyland 1/2 Marathon a couple of weeks ago, how thrilled were Missy and I to get onto the field for Light the Night???

Our group got caught up in another group, and when they moved aside so we could get back together, I realized I'd gotten caught behind the banner for Team Elijah... In memory of little Elijah Shihad, who passed away a couple of years ago... I felt honored when his dad, Mike, came over and hugged me... It turns out, the Shihad's will all be at Nike this fall as well. I will see them there... I remember sitting near them at the Long Beach pasta party two years ago... The first time I'd seen them since they'd lost their little boy... Who was right around Ty's age... They have another little boy now, but I know that they can never possibly forget their son, Elijah... And Elijah's little brother was holding court in his stroller.... Wearing a huge button with his big brother's smile on it...

I was determined to see myself on the JumboTron... Which I did. The photo came out blurry, but there we were...

As we left the stadium, we got to the place where they had photos of people who'd succumbed to blood-related cancers... Elijah's family stopped to take a photo with his picture, and I was honored to be able to take that for them... I remember taking a picture with my mom's photo last year...

And then we went up into the stadium... We got separated from Cam's family, but Jenn spotted a really cool photo posted in the stadium... Yes, that's Kris and Cam in the background!

Ty was thrilled as we passed the Ruby's in the stadium and were treated to sample sized milkshakes! We spotted the Love4Laiken team down on the field...

And then the walk was done... I was so proud of Ty for doing the entire thing this year... On the way home, I heard him sniffling in the backseat... I asked what was wrong, and he told me that his pin reminded him of Laiken and he was sad that she wasn't with us anymore... And my heart broke, but filled with pride... That he kinda seemed to "get it" this time... The empathy and sweetness in my little boy... Who helped me cure some cancer last night... Filled with Love... For Laiken... And so many others...

Light and Love... x13.